Anger. While it is not the easiest emotion to harbour, it is surely among the most tempting to give into. Why is it, that you ask? We feel angry because it helps us to regulate pain.
It is always easier to get angry than to get hurt.
Whenever you feel angry, you must allow the emotion to flow. The best way out of an emotion is to simply feel it.
With that being said, you shouldn’t dwell on the feeling any longer than you have to. The problem when we focus solely on our anger and its triggering events is that it intensifies, and it gets to the point of getting annoying.
This brings us to a whole new other level of anger: frustration. Anger manifests into frustration when we get upset or annoyed by how prolonging we find our situations to be. By dwelling on it, we’ve essentially ingrained the emotion into our subconscious minds.
What we suppress will resurface
I’m sure you are well aware that bottled up emotions don’t stay that way forever. And perhaps the word ‘forever’ just puts things into perspective.
Emotions are (pretty much) like energy. It gives us the energy to do things, and we give off certain ‘energies’ to the people around us. It all depends on how we feel.
According to the First Law of Thermodynamics, “energy is always conserved, it cannot be created or destroyed. In essence, energy can be converted into one form or another.” Though our emotions are not energy in and of itself, that same law applies to our feelings, too. They don’t subside overtime, they are merely channeled either into our thoughts or into our actions.
It may be an overstatement to deliberately say that our subconscious thoughts influence our decision-making behaviour, but that doesn’t make it any less true. It really does.
When we feel frustrated over an extended duration of time, it will take more than just a mere moment to recover from it. What it is that we do to get over it is also another factor to consider.
Anger blinds us in a way that we try to mask it from others so as to not cause any further damages to our well-being, and in our relationships. However, that doesn’t stop us from behaving selfishly under pressing circumstances. In fact, we become more prone to selfishness in our anger than in any other emotion.
Selfishness could be considered a defence mechanism. All in all, it is when you’ve finally had enough of something (or everything) that you’ve become desperate to put yourself first, even if it meant disregarding others’ feelings.
While it clearly shows that you’ve put up with a lot of pain, being selfish doesn’t excuse it. It just pushes people away.
Frustrations initiate passive-aggressive behaviour
There are many ways one could be called being passive-aggressive, as there are so many people who engage in doing it. It is basically when a person finds a situation so overwhelming, that they are unable to cope and process everything that’s going on around them that they resort to use the trump card: playing the victim. They would seemingly have no qualms so as to throw other people under the bus.
This behaviour is commonly found in toxic friendships, relationships with parents, and sometimes, even in employers. These are people who basically want more out of you, but are unable to show you more or do better. So, I’d hardly call them role models. Once they’ve got you under their spell, they’re the first ones out the door.
To get a clearer image of what I mean by passive-aggression, I want you to imagine a person in your life (if any) who thrusts their dependency onto you. It feels nice at first, doesn’t it? It’s almost flattering to have someone hold you in that level of regard.
But here’s the catch: they say it, but their words carry no meaning. It takes a long time before you begin to notice the subtle hints of their empty love, and it may take a longer time for you to know that it doesn’t have to be that way.
Just know that dependency, devotion, and obsession for another person could never mean anything good. It should never be confused with loyalty nor to be associated with love.
From the point of view of someone toxic, they don’t realise that they are behaving that way. They are always the perceived heroes of their story. Perhaps they just have the wrong idea of what love is supposed to be; and how it works, or maybe they just need to learn how to cope better in distressing situations.
When things get physical
Our problems are seemingly designed to be in a way that makes us feel lesser than what we are. Apparently, situations along with our false mental processing can really make a person feel that way. Now that begs the question: what is the worst way we could make someone else feel?
I’m going to get straight into it. It is in displaying “newfound” dominance by becoming outright physically abusive. The word ‘toxic’ doesn’t even begin to describe this matter.
The truth behind a person who releases their frustrations on people who are relatively more vulnerable than them is that it stems from an inferiority complex. They feel insufficient and insecure about their role and stance within a social sphere, and by extension their capabilities, that they falsely feel it is important for them to make others in their life feel lesser as well.
It comes from a false reality of the abuser that others must feel miserable, perhaps even more so than they do, to make the abuser feel better about themselves. This is more common in toxic ‘romantic’ relationships, as well as among destructive family members.
Strictly under no circumstances does it ever justify for parents to hurt their children and their spouses. Ever. And by that, I’m speaking in regards to both, emotional and physical abuse.
If it’s a question of disciplinary action, there are better ways to go about it than to strike someone. You’re the adult, you’ll know better— right?
As for toxic romances, it won’t be as easy as to just say, “leave them”. It’s easier said than done. And that is why you need to come to your own realisation. List down and evaluate all the reasons why you should leave them, and why exactly you should not.
To do this without being biased isn’t easy, I know, but you’ve got to try. It’s always easier to leave a relationship, and to recover from it much more quickly if you know exactly why it is that you’re leaving them in the first place.
What our frustrations teach us
Feeling frustrated is absolutely fine, but to direct its impulses towards others isn’t. You can feel angry and still lead a perfectly balanced life. After all, every emotion we feel works to maintain said balance; an emotional equilibrium.
In our troubles, failures, temptations, and all things that lead to frustration, there exists lessons that we can learn from, and every situation is unique to its own set of values. However, it is in feeling frustrated do we learn a bit more about our capacity for patience.
Bearing patience is an important element in love. It shows how much forbearance you’d have for someone’s quirks and flaws, your self-restrain from acting without careful consideration, and overall, the patience in part of the growing process of the love you and the other person have for each other.
Love is said to be like a rollercoaster. No matter how much you tighten the belt, you can’t emotionally prepare yourself for the loops.
Love isn’t a story, either. It just gets depressing and downright unrealistic to reduce something so prominent such as love to be a work of imagined fiction. Love is a process, and it also comes from loving to be a part of that process.
The best way to channel anger
In regards to dealing with intense, negative emotions, the healthiest way to overcome it is through communication. Engage in open conversations and see where that leads. A big part of this is in simply letting your voice be heard.
It is your chance to get everything out on the table. Surely you and them can reach some sort of mutual agreement.
There are a few things to know about doing this. Intrinsically, people mistake addressing problems with acting defensive. You don’t have to sound tense or feel the need to guard yourself. It’s best to relax; keep things casual and light-hearted.
In feeling tense, you might end up indirectly making the other person feel tad nervous, too. The idea is to not make things seem confrontational, because when it gets to that point, it gets harder to de-escalate the growing pains.
However, you should never settle for any less than what satisfies your sense of security. Otherwise, the other person may take it as some form of consent. They could unknowingly or deliberately take advantage of your permissive attitude to get things in their favour. Apparently, people are capable of being very opportunistic.
You could avoid making that mistake by holding firmly onto your beliefs. Sit straight, maintain eye contact, and state the boundaries that were breached and why it’s important that it must be respected, or forever hold your peace.
If your circumstances are on the more extreme side of the spectrum, let’s say, to the point it could potentially be life threatening to even be around that person, by all means, inform the local authorities. Doing what’s right isn’t always easy, but I can promise you that it only gets easier.
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