There is something beautiful about falling in love. You get to see someone special to you in a whole new coloured lens; see things the way they do, talk about things you never thought were important, those long, light-footed walks in parks as the sun sets over the horizon and their voice plays a tune to your ear.
Yeah, that only works in movies…
There is a lot more to falling in love than just one big declaration. There’ll be disagreements, compromises, misunderstandings, arguments, separation, and of course, the usual anxiety. It’s a mess.
Words can hurt and actions speak louder. But what about silence, that prolonging, haunting feeling that plagues you when voices go unheard? How does one fare in that situation? After all, things seem to get way more complicated than that.
Perhaps it’s you, or maybe it’s them. Surely, there must be a reason for it. There always is. But do understand that we might not always get an answer. With that being said, you could just leave it at that.
The thing about closure is that there is a strong chance we will not be given it. Even if we do, we are not going to like what we get. It’s an ordeal of shifting blame and resentment. Someone is going to have to take the fall.
If you’re in a relationship and your significant other’s silence is speaking volumes, then you are exactly where you’re supposed to be. Let’s see to how far an extent silence troubles a lover’s mind, and how best we could deal with it.
1. Overthinking clouds your judgement
In your defence, a two-way communication is not being initiated. And probably there hasn’t been any in quite sometime now. And it’s only natural that worries you.
There will be periods of times where you’ll be itching to send a quick text or even dial a random phone call to make sure everything is alright with them; between the two of you. And if you don’t do just that, the thought is going to bug you big time. It is all that will be on your raging, juvenile mind. It could bother you for days, if not longer.
Hold the phone!
Now give the phone to me…
That’s the whole basis of a relationship, isn’t it? A two-way connection between people is the bare minimum of how any sort of relationship should work, much less when you’re romantically involved.
While that may be, it is not so entirely true. Granted, while a relationship requires strong commitments to someone else and to the life you two share together, you are both still your own individuals.
Thinking obsessively about the other person and the situation you two are in would do you no good. The thing about overthinking is that we are not remotely living in the present, nor the past or the future; your mind is all over the place.
Your thoughts scatter between worry, confusion, and anger. That is why we often resort to escapism; desperately finding someone (or something) else to fill in that void to keep our minds off a made-up impending danger. It is in that moment are we living in a reality we have constructed for ourselves.
2. Give them the benefit of the doubt
This will take a lot of patience and forbearance for a person. While that may be so, you’re actually doing yourself a favour. There exists a subtle advantage to doing this, too.
Regardless if whether or not they are deserving of your trust, you need to trust yourself first and foremost. Have good faith that you’ll do fine without them, just like you always have been. Choose to be independent of their love and approvals because the only person who could cater to your needs would be you.
People can get so caught up in their lives and neither you nor your partner is an exception to that. They may genuinely be busy with school; possibly work, or with their other relationships with friends and family, too.
Perhaps rather than conjuring up a storm of worry and resentment stemmed from assuming the worst, it might be in your best interest for you to discover what makes you your own person.
Otherwise, you might end up creating problems from things that weren’t really there in the first place. If you think their silence hurts (which it does), extreme measures done out of fear and overthinking are going to be the nail to your coffin. It won’t do both parties any justice.
However, that is not to say you’re committed to stay in waiting forever. You know your limits; your self-respect. As long as you know that you’ve done your part, you may pull yourself away from the table.
3. Respect boundaries
Respect is the basis of every relationship and it has to be reciprocated. If you or your significant other needs the time and space away from the normal, then it is only by right to inform the other party before making that decision.
Of course it is only rational to try to reason things out between the two of you. It’s a genuine sign of care. But sometimes, a little distance is healthy. The decision to take a step back for a breather is anyone’s right.
It only gets complicated and eerily disturbing when ghosting becomes an issue. No one should leave their loved ones in the dark in moments that requires one to make the most drastic of measures; including stepping away.
Surely you must respect a person enough to inform them of where you’re going— right? Yes, it won’t be an easy thing to do. But when you’re involved with someone romantically, “easy” is hardly ever the first word that comes to mind, if at all.
While easiness is not very realistic in relationships, keeping things healthy is. And what better way to do that than to respect the existing two-way communication between people?
The reality of toxicity in relationships is, in truth, a mere lack of respect one would have for another person, and sometimes, even for themselves. Ghosting is an act that should not be permitted or encouraged, no matter the reason.
However, do keep in mind: that if your partner already has made the effort to inform you of their intended hiatus, then it is in your responsibility to respect the distance they so desperately need.
4. Form a support group
Old friends, assemble!
Alternatively, you could opt for making new ones, too. Newer friendships tend to take on a more active role and initiative in hearing about your life and problems.
Going about your daily life without having your usual loved one to turn to can present some of its own obstacles. This is pretty self-explanatory; they’ve become a VIP in your life. Their very existence has in some way contributed to making a big part of you!
The bittersweet truth is that they can’t always be there for you, nor vice versa. It’s just not practical and definitely not the slightest bit realistic. That’s why you could always turn to your connections with other people.
They aren’t there to fill in the void. That responsibility is ultimately yours and to each their own. Friends could just be there to pitch in a word of advice or two, and to share with you a good time. The latter is the best way to show you that life is not all bad without your significant other; a reminder we all could use.
Go out for a walk or sit down together over a cup of coffee, grabbing lunch always sounds good, too. And especially, talk. It’s always good to let your worries and pent up emotions out. The trust of secrecy between you and your friends should go without saying.
Your partner is (presumably) working their level best at trying to figure themselves out; to improve on building their own best selves. And it always will be best if both parties could grow simultaneously even if they aren’t together to walk down the same paths in life.
The thing about growth is that it is a very personal question. It is always happening and when you think you’ve got it, you really don’t. That’s okay. There is beauty in the process as there is also beauty in not having the answers to everything.
So, pick up a new skill, and by that, I mean do something productive. While you’re at it, it doesn’t hurt to make a couple of new friends along the way. You could always grow with other friendly faces.
5. Try to initiate conversation
There is never any law that says you can’t check in on another person. It doesn’t hurt to send a quick text message to them asking how they are doing, or to simply tell them that they still mean a great deal to you. Also, it is cute to do that.
Do this with absolutely no expectation for a reply. It won’t be easy, I know. And it might be quite a long wait before you’ll hear anything from them. But there will be some relief in sending a text that expresses some way of how you feel. Your voice will be heard.
If they do reply quickly, that’s a good thing. And if they don’t, you’ll still be good. Somehow, we just will be. We could do it by being as brave and as truthful as we can be.
If you have something to say to someone, by all means, you should. Just bear in mind that there is always a right and proper way to go about doing it.
Firstly, don’t spam. That’s not healthy, for either of you. Spamming has this suggest of aggression and need for self-importance.
Secondly, don’t vent to your anger. No one deserves to take up the mantle of ‘the punching bag’ even if they are the cause of your frustrations. Have patience. There is a time and place to have a discussion in further detail, but only in due time.
Next up, show your compassionate side. You shouldn’t lose your affection for someone simply because one (or both) of you are going through a bad time. We all have ‘those’ days.
In asking something as innocent as “How are you?”, or a simple “I miss you”, in the form of a text message could bring about an easier chance for the both of you to talk.
Also, restrain yourself from taking any measure beyond that. It gets annoying; and less is more!
6. You could decide to move on
As the saying goes, “life goes on”, and that is true; with or without them.
What most people would think is that to move on is to deliberately cut ties with people. While that may be the case for toxic relationships, I’d like to think the severing of ties is not exclusive to just people, but on the dependence we have placed on them.
You can still lead a perfectly healthy relationship if you loosen the reins. Additionally, it would probably be ideal if you could also lower your expectations of people. At the end of the day, that’s all they are: people.
Move on, not because you don’t need your significant other to be in your life anymore; but because you don’t need them to define who you are. There is always more to a person than just the relationships they have with others.
And if you’re a sucker for trying to find the ‘right’ answer in people, then you must drop it. You can’t find that in relationships. Relationships don’t fill in empty voids because you and your partner are the ones to fill in that life.
From here on out, stop looking for the right answers. All you need to do is to start asking the right questions.
“What makes you happy?”, is always the nicest one to start with. Ask that to yourself.
Silence can be a painful thing to endure especially when it is the silence of a loved one. After all, it is a mark of being emotionally distant from someone.
You might not be getting an answer from them right away to soothe your worries. Sometimes, we might not get an answer at all. You’d be desperate for getting closure. I’ll say this again; that even if you don’t get any sort of clarification from them, it’ll be okay.
The thing about closure is that we’re not gonna be happy with what we get. At its core, it is just about two people ceasing the relationship they had together. That is why you will need to come to your own closure.
Embrace all the emotions that came with them, and relate to it in all its wonder. Ask yourself what it is that you had learned from the time you had spent with that person. Identify the mistakes that were made and vow to never repeat them again.
That’s all relationships are, really. A trial-and-error. After that and only then will you finally accept the situation for what it is, and move on.
And if they decide to come back into your life out of the blue, well, I believe only you will know how to make the right call. You’ve known what they’ve put you through and only you will know what does right by you.
Silence in relationships– how and what do I do?Tweet
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